it's been quite a long rocky road that i have taken before eventually coming into terms and totally accepting my gender preference. i have always thought that it's just because someone broke my heart long time ago that's why i became "like this". wayback in highschool, i court girls and make fun of the awkward situation that i actually have a girlfriend. the mere fact that i was a bit kikay during high school but i ended up becoming a self confessed monogamous bi-sexual brings shivers down my spine. it's like children stories gone wild.. (huh...?)

nah, forget i said that..

anyway, lately, i have been reading a lot.. and bit by bit i start to feel that this is not a coincidence.. this is not what i have planned.. and this is definitely not what i have wished for to happen in my life.. but it just happened.. like, like, like you know.. like it's something written in the star.. (cliche?) it feels heavenly to finally accept the fact that i fell in love with a woman, thus, i am NOT STRAIGHT..

okay, i've said it.. i am not straight.. i dont know how it happened.. maybe because she is so good, so lovely and caring..

but what the heck--- i also like other women.. when i see sexy ladies with an ooomMpppphhh.. yeah.. with an ooomMpppphhh, i can feel that there is some kind of an unfamiliar reaction inside me that makes me feel arou~... now, that's censored.. but yeah, it's true.. i can't help but stare, look, stare, look and look again.

i like sporty and tomboyish women. women who appreciate art whether it's an abstract or a doodle. i love art.. so women who wants to go with me should love the same thing (now, that's a tip.)

i have a few celebrity crushes: Daniela Sea, Katherine Moennig and Jessica Alba.. notice that two of them have recently played as lesbians in an English tv series. i dont know but it kind of made me like them. specialy Daniela (and oh, the mirror episode.)

what's so good about coming out is that you will feel that you are a complete person. you will know that you are already the true you. hiding inside the ever dreaded closet will not help because it will only make you feel like you are playing a character in a movie, someone who is so unlike yourself.

it's hard to come into terms with the truth yourself, but what's harder still, is to actually make the parents accept you for who you are or what you have become (please understand that they might go thru a nervous breakdown upon learning for the first time that what they have brought up as for example, a boy, grew up as a lady or vice cersa.)

it's like cancer (see if i could still remember what i have learned in high school. thanks to Mrs. Yap, cheers!)::

you have to go thru:

1.) Denial- you cannot understand why the heck you have to fall in love with people of your same gender and you begin to dress up like your opposite sex.

2.) Understanding- at this stage you already begin to learn what phase in life you are going thru, what the consequences are or why the heck you are wearing your sister's lingerie with all your awful and gross muscles here and there.

3.) Acceptance- this is the stage when you finally enjoy being your new self. you start shaving all visible body hair and start growing the hair which you are not supposed to be growing, it's not what you are thinking.. you also start buying things that people with the same gender as yourself are not supposed to be buying. you are already on the verge of deciding if you want to have a sex change or not but realized that either way, you don't really have that much money to go thru the operation.

4.) [this is an addition] Revelation- this is the stage when, you so much have already accepted yourself that you are now coming out of the shell and flaunting your newfound gender to everyone. this is also the stage when you now tell your parents about your self or you just let them feel you are now a different person.

5.) Death (note: this is optional)- you either get killed by your parents or by a crazy mob of men after you enter a men's restroom while wearing a skirt, alternatively, you kill yourself after having been humiliated by the fact that you still look more femme than your girlfriend after overdosing yourself w/ testosteron pills.. that alone could actually kill you..

usually, we become a more apologetic person. we appreciate life more than before after coming out. some people though think that this is a curse. as far as i know or feel or atleast base on my instinct, this is a gift from God. God created only man and woman or Adam and Eve, but then there sprout gays and lesbians.. and transgender, bisexual, queer and intersex or just plainly open-ended. this is not a curse or whatsoever, instead, this is how the beauty that God made had flourished and turned into more valuable gift that no straight man or woman can ever compare. God is also gay, a lesbian, could be queer sometimes, may be a transgender or intersex but one thing is for sure, God is bi-sexual. no one should actually call him He or She because no one ever actually know what God's real gender is. If anyone calls God a Him, whoever that is, that's DISCRIMINATION.

enough of this Religion Lesson about God's gender.

i feel that my transformation is something that can be called a big change in my life. this is something that has changed my whole peronality, my attitude towards life itself and all of the things that are dear to me, i feel that i have appreciated them more than i do before. i am happy with my new self, i am happy that i have come out and that i have discovered the joy of being the true me. my family may have not totally accepted me yet but i know in time that they will feel that deep inside them, they are also LGBTQI.. yeah.. they are.. and they will be happy to know and accept it too.

better be, if not, ill have a mob of angry LGBTQI come running after them.

that's it for now. i am happy sharing thoughts with you. i hope you'll leave a comment upon reading my blog.

let's all COME OUT!!




mahirap magtype ng blog sa cp pero cge. itatry q magblog d2. steady lng kau followers q.



medyo matagal tagal na din akong di nakapag-blog... :( nakakalungkot... lalo na at ito ang pampawala ng stress ko... pag nagba-blog ako, feeling ko, lahat ng taong nakakabasa nito, nakikidamay sa akin... hmp! mga pakialamero... joke... :)

ayan, ngumiti na ako... im no longer stressed... see how it works wonders? bravo... sana may computer na ako sa bahay... para pag malungkot ako, i can just start up my windows, type www.blogspot.com and sign in... then from there, i can let my thoughts flow freely. maraming tao ang nagsasabing, blog is just for demented people... yung mga taong walang friends na mapagsasabihan ng nararamdaman... hindi naman totoo yun... ang blog, para din sa mga taong masaya, gusto magshare ng experiences... gustong ipaalam sa buong mundo kung gaano kalawak ang utak nila... kung gaano sila kagaling mag sulat ng blog at higit sa lahat, kung gano sila kagaling mag english... 

for me though, blog is a different things, it's an outlet, a friend, a lover, a sexmate, a--- heh! teka nga... bastus mu ah... alis!

there... si folks... kumakalabit na yung higaan sa akin... antok much... till next time... :)



Damn... hindi ko akalain na magagawa niya to sakin. She took 4k out of my bank account, took my ID from work, my last cash in my wallet, my cellphone and my life. Damn talaga. Ngayon, she changed my password in facebook account and I cannot access it. It is suspended until I get the time to fix it. Grabe talaga. Sinusubukan niya ko. Hindi ko na nga siya pina-pulis sa ginawa niya sa akin eh, pati ba naman yung facebook ko?!?!? Eh ang dami ko pa naman mga pics dun na hindi pa napapa-print... adik siya!

Bait nga ba kami nag-break? Kasi naman, I just realized lately na matagal ko na pala siyang hindi na mahal. Yeah, hindi NA mahal. Ibig sabihin, minahal ko naman siya pero the first time na sinaktan niya ako, nawalan na ako ng gana sa kanya. Inulit niya pa yun. Ngayon, ayaw ko na. Sawa na ako. Siguro ganun talaga ako eh. I lose interest very quickly, ika nga ng team mate ko. Kapag may nakita akong mali, wala na. Ayoko na agad. Sid was a ver good person. Mapag-mahal, maalaga and mabait. That's why kahit kinuha niya ang mga things ko which can be considered robbery, I still cannot have the heart to get the pplice arrest her. Damn, we have been together for 2yrs. Ayoko naman na yung taong kinasama ko eh, ipapakulong ko. Besides, I know naman kung bakit siya nagkakaganun. Sana lang ibalik niya mga gamit ko. Yung cellphone na yun, yun ang first gift ko sa mama ko nung makapasok ako sa HSBC. Sana maging considerate siya na may sentimental value yun para sa akin. Haaayyy naku. Ang hirap talaga. Inaamin ko naman na habang kami pa, may nagugustuhan na akong iba. Pero hindi ako nakipagrelasyon sa girl na yun kasi nga kami pa. I don't want to crush calamansi on her sugat noh! Well, isa lang naman yun sa mga dahilan ng break up namin. Hindi yun main reason. The main reason is, Sid hurts me whenever I did something wrong and as far as I know about relationships, if you love somebody, you don't lay a finger on that person no matter how bad that person is. Napaka-hirap tanggapin para sa akin na yung taong minahal ko pa pala ang mananakit sa akin. That's not only physically, that's emotionally too. There is no chance for us, lalo na sa ginagawa niyang ganun... kinukuha niya yung mga things ko. Damn talaga....




hay... grabe... tagal ko ring napahinga sa pagba-blog... miss ko na ang rocking chair... sana  magka laptop na talaga ako... para araw-araw, punong puno ng kalokohan este, mga karanasan sa buhay pala, itong blog ko...

naalala ko pa nung may proxy pa sa office... araw-araw akong nagba-blog... pero ngayon, blocked na yung proxy na ginagamit ko... hay naku... kelan kaya ulit ako makakapag-babad sa pc? yung hindi lang puro delinquent accounts at pangungulekta ng utang ang gagawin ko? gusto ko naman ulit magsulat ng walang kakuwenta-kuwentang mga istorya...

sayang... may story pa naman akong sinusulat... hindi ko manlang ma-she-share sa mundo kasi hindi ko ma-upload sa external e-mail ko... huhuhu... :(

hay... kamote...